Extreme Irony

Here's a script I first wrote and shared after my effective criticism of the war on terror in 2007, instructing brave Americans to fight terrorism by simply not being afraid, apparently forced the U.S. government to adopt the new term 'extremist' to identify its phantom enemy for its otherwise pointlessly overdeveloped arms industry. It is meant more to show how a policy of anti-extremism conflicts with the U.S. government's post Puritan tradition of tolerance than it is meant for laughs. But you wouldn't think so if it was hacked by a Pentagon controlled network like NBC. In that event, the laughs which I aimed at power would end up being criminally turned back against me. And why do strangers in the street greet me with the words 'that's your hit'? Is there some new confusion about who authored my songs to add to the eight years of constant confusion around every song and cartoon and word I have shared on the internet in my lifetime? It wouldn't surprise me. (Plymouth Rock circa 1620. A Puritan minister addresses a crowd of newly arrived settlers.) Minister: Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the glorious New World! I know that many of you have suffered terrible punishments at the hands of a brutal and intolerant government. Perhaps you were whipped or beaten. Perhaps your loved ones were drowned or torn to pieces and fed to dogs. Such horrors will not befall you here in this land of fairness. No, instead they will befall anyone who disagrees with you! (The crowd cheers.) (Present day. An auditorium. A politician addresses a crowd of concerned citizens.) Politician: My fellow Americans, I must once again call your attention to the greatest threat to our freedom in the modern age: extremism. It is for your own protection that we spend billions of your tax dollars on increased security. Only by spying on you and by imposing strip searches on women and by destroying free thinking artists on the internet can we guard against extremist infiltration. And only by reducing your constitutional rights can we stop extremists from overrunning our time honored institutions and sparking a bloody revolution. I will now avail myself to your questions. Yes, you in the white shirt. Citizen 1: Thank you. I speak on behalf of the Church of Paleontology. What sort of measures have been taken to keep our dinosaur fossils out of extremist hands? Politician: Dinosaur fossils? Citizen 1: Yes, aren't you concerned about the destructive potential of such powerful holy relics? Politician: Oh, uh sure! We'll see that all excavations are overseen by a detachment of state troopers. Next question. Yes, you in the shiny hat. Citizen 2: Sir, I belong to UFO, the Unearthly Friendship Organization. How will this anti-extremism affect the welfare of visitors from the fifth dimension? Politician: Uh, I'm not sure. I'll have a physicist look into that for you. Any other questions? Yes? Citizen 3: Mister Politician, I speak for the paramilitary division of MOMA, the Mongolian Muslims of America. Have you received the notice we nailed to the front door of the Pentagon last week demanding a separate school system for Mongolian Muslims? Or were you too busy with your campaign against extremism to consider the moderate needs of your own people? Politician: That was you? It had our military on Def Con Two for the better part of an afternoon. If you are dissatisfied with our secularized schools, I'm afraid all I can suggest is home schooling. One last question. You, the normal looking woman. Citizen 4: As chief whip of 4F, the Foundation for Female Flagellants, (The politician rolls his eyes.) it came to my attention that one of our torchlight parades was interrupted last month as it crossed a new security checkpoint. Have you punished yourself yet for this unnecessary violation of our sacred ritual? Politician: Yes. Citizen 4: You have? How? Politician: (Rubbing his head) By inviting you to ask me a question.
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.