Slowpoke

Good day and welcome to Slowpoke, where we challenge the nation's dumbest citizens to prove their fitness for survival. Our contestant today is Miss Dora Dubeau, a box sealer from Moosehead, Manitoba. Dora, thank you for being here. I'm sorry. What? (Leaving) I'll go somewhere else if that's what you want. (Seizing her by the shoulders and holding her in place) No, no, I want you to stay! Didn't you understand that? Sheesh! Not much hope for this one. Now Dora, I'm going to supply you with the answer to a question. I will then ask you this question as many as three times, separating each question with a distracting remark. You may fail to answer correctly on the first and second try, but if you get it wrong the third time, I will blow your useless brain out with this revolver. On the other hand, if you can answer the question correctly after being shown the answer within three attempts, you will win this lovely book of coupons! Are you ready, Dora? You're welcome. What? You said 'thank you', right? Yes, but... Oh, never mind. Let's just get on with this. Observe this demonstration. In my one hand, I hold a crumpled piece of paper, while in the other, I hold a five pound stone. I'm going to drop them at the same time and I want you to follow their path to the floor. (Demonstrating) Did you see that, Dora? They both fell at the same speed. And now I'm going to ask you a true or false question about what you have just seen. (Suspense music.) Dora, is it true or false that the rock falls faster than the crumpled paper? Paper covers rock! No, no, you must answer with either the word 'true' or the word 'false'. What was the question again? If I tell you, you will forfeit your first answer. Do you want to move directly on to your second try? (Struggling) True? You want me to ask it again? No, that was my answer. Oh, well, it was wrong. (A buzzer sounds.) No surprise there. And how about those experiments they're doing on animals, these days? Have you seen that mouse with a human ear growing out of its back? Hideous. Okay, time for your second try. Here we go. (Suspense music.) Dora, is it true or false that the rock falls faster than the crumpled paper? (Dora screams, startling the host.) Good heavens! Are you all right? That poor little mouse! Yes, that was your distraction. We've moved on to the question again. I need a true or false answer from you. What did I answer last time? 'True.' Did I get it right? No. Now please answer the question before we run out of time. (Confidently) True! (The buzzer sounds as the audience moans in disappointment.) Dora, I'm afraid your answer is, once again, incorrect. But you said that's what I answered before! Yes, and it was wrong. But it was the same question! (Losing patience) And you answered it with the same wrong answer. (After taking a deep breath) Say, I have an idea. Instead of you getting the answer to this question wrong for a third time and having your brains blown out for your stupidity, forcing me to return here tomorrow and face another contestant like you, why don't I just use this gun on my own head? I don't know. Well, at least you're honest. Good bye, Dora. And I hope you're not Presbyterian...
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.