The Poisoning of Sir Guy of Lombardy

Narrator: In 1608, when it was fashionable for young men to wear a lace doily around their necks, the powerful Duke of Earl had a quarrel with one of his most intimate acquaintances, Sir Guy of Lombardy. Lombardy was imprisoned in the Tower in February, where he suffered a slow, horrible death over the next six months. (The Tower. Sir Guy's chamber. The cook appears outside his door, pushing a cart and ringing a cowbell.) Cook: Dinner time, Sir Guy. Time for your meal of soup, mutton, swordfish, peacock, pies and plum pudding. Lombardy: I'm afraid I don't feel quite up to it. Cook: Shall I feed it to your serf? Lombardy: No! Anything but that! Bring it here. Narrator: As Sir Guy persisted in cheating death, the cook resorted to outright treachery. (Several months later.) Cook: (Ringing cowbell) Dinner time, Sir Guy. This evening's meal consists of chowder, baked kids, sturgeon, stork, pheasant and butter tarts. What's the matter? Lombardy: I'm not sure. Bit of undigested swordfish, perhaps. Cook: Well have you tried using more salt? Lombardy: Capital idea! Bring it here. Narrator: The salt shaker was filled with a nefarious substance known as 'powder of diamonds'... (The next dinner time.) Cook: (Ringing) Dinner time, Sir Guy. Pray tell, who exchanged your white bedsheets for red ones? Lombardy: I did by sleeping on them. Cook: You must be very ill, sir. Lombardy: Yes, but don't worry, I've spoken to my physician about it. He's going to give me a liquid mercury enema. Cook: Very good, sir. (The next evening the cook's ringing is drowned out by the loud tolling of the Tower bell.) Narrator: Lombardy's physician determined that the cause of his patient's death was food poisoning.
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.